Author: Julia Clevenger

remember that time
when we saw each other
you, opaque, that way you get
when you are up before dusk
and me, surprised again,
that I had not yet died
of a broken heart

Or that time
your glow came long before
you lit up that dark ridge
and me, shaking, still
from the cold fear
that followed me there

Or this morning
me, lost, in the cycle
of denial and shame
and you, up ahead
only half seen
leading me out

Still you aren’t here
I keep breathing
and still you aren’t here
I keep doing
and still you aren’t here
to watch this cruel joke
of success and quiet ease
happening to me
of smiles and changes and
hopes achieved
yet you still aren’t here
so what can it mean

Scalding sobs
Cheap rough rag
scrub, scald, sob
it away
pointless
you don’t want it gone
you want the pain
the rawness
on the outside
Instead of in.

I wish I was back there
where the world was
quiet and scared of me

Where I was raw
with pain and
grief was new

I want to be back there
On the drought tight land
and walked on shells

Where the ocean
knew I was dead too
and called me
to silently slip in

Who in their right mind
keeps the ashes
of their dead child

On the bottom shelf
of her nightstand
under the romance novels,
loose change and phone cords

Who in their right mind
refuses to bury
their dead child

In the hard ground
under the dried grass,
rocks, and plastic flowers

I won’t brush my teeth
to taste the staleness
of my lost mind

I won’t shower to smell
the waste of time
on my skin

I won’t sleep for hours
to soak the anxiety
into my bones

I won’t comb my hair
to avoid the lie
of being in control

I won’t listen to you
to stay my murderous thoughts
and jealous heart

Sometimes
I don’t do any of those things

This time i brought her memories home in the trunk
Just months after I brought her home in there
From Tucson where they were
From the garage where she had stored them
to know they were there
to one day share
with the boy she gave birth to
who is now being raised by her replacement
To help his daddy survive.

Nerves- too overloaded to control
Brain – too confused to explain
Heart – too heavy to open
Lungs – too empty to gasp
Stomach – too upset to digest
Throat – too tight to scream
Hands – too shaky to hold
Back – too weak to bear it