Author: Julia Clevenger

The first hours we sat
stunned in your house

We didn’t ask to see you
or to go where you left
or to where you were then

We didn’t ask
for a lock of your hair
or one more kiss or touch

We simply sat
in your dark house
horrified of a world
without you

What would we be
our family of four
with one of us
gone

The one that started us
that stretched our hearts
opened our thoughts

The one that reminded us
who we were
who we were supposed
to be

How were we to be
anything more
after

Just stop the sun from rising
and the planes from flying
stop the water from splashing
and the babies from crying
stop the tides from rising
and the tears from falling

Please, can’t you stop
just for a moment
so I can hear her one more time

Some of you fell to your knees

Some of you shook your fist

Some of you crawled to despair

Some of you took revenge

Some of you hoped for peace

Some of you shed tears alone

Some of you moaned out loud

Some of you regressed

Some of you expressed

Some of you left soon after

Some of you stayed here

Walking the barrels’ edge
from the lobby to the stage
on display
lighted

One wrong step
a lost moment of focus
and I’ll go in

Concentrate
balance on the edge
on the next precious step

Quicksand
fallen in
don’t struggle
against the suck

Calm
break it down
one moment one breath
at a time

More than that
and I’ll go down

An up and comer
with a down and outer

The right deal
a way out for each

Released from the cuffs
of the bottom rung

The tunnel’s light
closing but for one

In between the phone calls
I can pretend
you are at work
laughing and learning

When I’m not supposed to call
I can pretend
you are taking
him to school
reminding him to share

In between my car ride
to and from work
to the store or from
anywhere I’m not alone

I can pretend you two
are planning a vacation
wedding, siblings
Shouting I love you
down the hall

Until its time to call
I can pretend
I still can

Hummingbird
Chasing Sanity
Feeding but
never full

Never presume
the wounded
want to heal

Pain can bring peace
staying close to it
the goal

Distance from the grief
is only distance from her

remember that time
when we saw each other
you, opaque, that way you get
when you are up before dusk
and me, surprised again,
that I had not yet died
of a broken heart

Or that time
your glow came long before
you lit up that dark ridge
and me, shaking, still
from the cold fear
that followed me there

Or this morning
me, lost, in the cycle
of denial and shame
and you, up ahead
only half seen
leading me out

Still you aren’t here
I keep breathing
and still you aren’t here
I keep doing
and still you aren’t here
to watch this cruel joke
of success and quiet ease
happening to me
of smiles and changes and
hopes achieved
yet you still aren’t here
so what can it mean