Slipping into the ranks of the mentally ill
But with my job and pencil skirt
Black shiny car and black shiny heels
Seemingly clear-eyed and clear-skinned
Losing my mind
But still welcomed on the hill
Because I look the part
Author: Julia Clevenger
What if
What if God is a dick
Just a plain ol’ no romance, no excuse asshole.
That theory people have that He created us in His image.
Well, we suck so must He.
We pick each other apart and take advantage of the bursts of kindness
We assume negative intentions
And that we are out to be screwed
We fill space with ugly and sharp edges
We make others other
What if we are created in his image and He sucks too
The beauty of nature and love given only to be taken away
Peoples children die in that sparkling ocean
They are robbed of sight, hearing, arms, and legs in their best days
They are living their best lives and end up in the wrong intersection at the wrong time
What if there is a God, we are created in His image and we didn’t fall far from the tree.
Nightmare
Not just mine
But every parent’s
Not just that she died, But
That we have to live without her
That we couldn’t stop it
That we search for every missed moment
That we regret every lost memory
Every moment taken for granted
Every choice that we can’t make
Every one that we do
The nightmare when it shrinks back
And when it surrounds us; changes us
The Beast
The beast rears its head
Wounded and caged
Snarling and clawing at the bars
Meant to allow others to live
Then curled in the corner
Cowering and licking the open wound
Because the one to tame and the beast are the same
Depth
I can taste the loss.
Around my gums,
under my tongue,
on the sides of my cheeks.
With the weight of my molars
I can taste the loss of you.
No More
No more signs
I don’t want them
I want you
I want to talk to you,
laugh with you
dissect your day
Here your thoughts
dismiss my worries
raise your son
praise you brother
relish in your
everything
your accomplishments and joys and love and spirit
No! No more signs. You!
Hair Ties
I have found them
You have sent them
When I’ve been sad and
when I’ve wanted to share joy
Before most trips
except those that I got
in the middle or at the end
I’ve asked for them and
been surprised by them
Always in awe of them
In Catalina when I begged please
In Tucson when I said no more
When I said you couldn’t be here
There you were
At work on my saddest days
And on my morning walks
In a crowded church
And a dirty parking lot
In a rented beach house
And a wind swept trail on a cliff
As the ocean roared below
Always when I’m on the phone with your dad
Then there was that one time at the end of the day, alone in my room, crying from the pain of missing you, wishing out loud for you, knowing it was too late. There in a place I look every night and every morning, where one had never been before, waiting for me.
I’m here momma.
Too Little Too Late
There were 23 officers with body cams on scene and in the aftermath of my daughter’s death. 23 officers plus detectives and reps from the state attorney’s office. The US Marshalls were called in to assist in the search to find him after he ran. Mexican authorities assisted in his capture. There have been 5 continuances by the defense and state since he was first indicted in October. There are thousands of pages of disclosure documents that will be sent to me on a flash drive, with photos if I would like them. There are now 2 attorneys dedicated to her case along with an office of support staff. We have our own victim’s advocate because with “cases like these” the family has one specific person assigned to them to guide them through the process. For 7 and a half months we have had to live without her.
On Friday he will be sentenced for the crimes he was out on bond for when he rented a car from Enterprise, ran a red light at 109 miles an hour, and killed my baby girl and her friend on their way home from work.
Seconds
How many things had to go just so
How many tiny, infinitesimal little things had to go just so
What if you had stopped to
Tie your shoes
Send a text
Look up at the moon
What if you had
dropped your keys
Forgotten your wallet
Tripped off the curb
Why didn’t someone tell one more joke
Give you one more hug
Pull out in front of you
He would have flown past
just in front of you or just behind
The difference between
scaring you and killing you.
I wish your shoes would have come untied.
Double Edged Sword
Big drops of much needed rain falling to earth through bright clouds and sun beams.
Car skids on the wet road into a telephone pole
Fluffy white snow made up of individual crystals remarkable up close
En Mass they slide brutally down the hill drowning skiers
Sparkling sun dancing on the water with a summer wind warming the sand
Water recedes, the bottom comes up too soon breaking boards and necks
Beautiful vista of trees and water, Dirt paths under oaks and around boulders
bright blue skies overhead And it all gives way.
One step too many and they’re gone.
Car skids on the wet road into a telephone pole
Fluffy white snow made up of individual crystals remarkable up close
En Mass they slide brutally down the hill drowning skiers
Sparkling sun dancing on the water with a summer wind warming the sand
Water recedes, the bottom comes up too soon breaking boards and necks
Beautiful vista of trees and water, Dirt paths under oaks and around boulders
bright blue skies overhead And it all gives way.
One step too many and they’re gone.
Humans, one helping the other, giving a reprieve, laughing together being their best selves.
Intersection.
