Tag: loss

Twenty weeks, 140 days since I got the text “Has anyone called you regarding Meghan” The text was from my daughter’s fiancé, the father of her baby boy. Instantly I knew it was bad. I started shaking. I typed back, No. What’s wring? *wrong. And then, “Can I call you?”

I called him and jumped out of the car that had just slowed down to park and had suddenly become a vice around me.

She didn’t come home from work.

Where is she?

I don’t know. I’ve been trying to call her all night, she isn’t picking up.

It’s noon, she was supposed to be home hours ago. Where is she?

I don’t know. Some friends said there was a car accident.

Where is she?

I don’t know. I think its bad.

How do you know it was bad. Who have you talked to? Have you called anyone – where is she?

I saw it on the news – they said it was fatal.

Where is she.

And my life, my heart, my world stopped.

Twenty weeks ago, I hung to my husband, looked him the eyes and said, I think she’s gone.

I tried desperately to contact the Tucson Police Department…from Utah…when my hands and brain couldn’t work. I misdialed, misheard, misunderstood, until finally, I had an officer on the line.

My name is Julie Clevenger, I’m calling about my daughter Meghan. I think she was in a car accident last night on her way home from work. It would have been around 2am.

Yes Ma’am. Can I have your name?

Julie Clevenger, I’m Meghan’s mom.

What is your phone number?

714-878-4519

Are you in Tucson?

No. I’m in Utah.

How soon can you get to Tucson?

I slid down the wall that had been holding me up and said, “tonight”. Where is she.

I’m sorry ma’am. The detective on scene needs to talk to you but is unavailable right now. He will call you back as soon as possible.

Walter.

Back to the phone and dial a number, forever engrained in my memory, but not dialed in over a year.

Hello? Cautiously, already aware. Which one?

It’s Meghan. She was in a car accident I think.

Oh god no, How bad. Where is she?

They won’t tell me anything.

Oh god no not Meggie

The detective is calling back.

For what? Why? What happened?

I don’t know but If it wasn’t bad they would have just told me. The detective calling back means its bad. Trent saw a news report and said it wasn’t good.

Then, because when my mom died – I couldn’t infer death from the words that weren’t “she died”

I said, I think she died Walter.

No! No! No! Oh god jubers no! Not Meggie.

This time I’m in the dirt on a parking median.

Where is she. Where are you? Where is Dylan?

Dylan.

We have to get to Dylan.

Have you talked to him today?

No. He didn’t respond to the text I sent them telling them I was finally off the fucking mountain and couldn’t wait to see him and talk to her. getting on the plane and would be home in an hour. Where I could see him and talk to her.

I need to get to him.

TPD

Please tell me, I can’t get on this plane and not know – I can’t ma’am you have to talk to the detective.

I know. I don’t want to know.

Detective George

He was at Trent’s. He had just told him.

I’m sorry for the delay. I had to make sure the site was investigated properly. I couldn’t leave the site and I wanted to tell you and her family in person. It’s worse when I don’t come myself. I came here first because her phone was ringing all night from this number.

He had her phone.

I can’t get to Tucson now, and I can’t get on this plane without knowing. Where is she.

Never mind. I know – you don’t have to say the words if you aren’t allowed. I already know.

Then, very cautiously, she was driving a friend home from work and was hit in an intersection. She was killed immediately. Her passenger was transported to the trauma center and died on the way. Please tell me if you want me to stop.

It was not her fault. She didn’t do anything wrong. She had the green light.

I was with her the entire time. She was never alone. I stayed with her until the coroner came.

The coroner came. You were with her. Did she feel any pain?

I was with her, no I don’t think so.

Why didn’t I wake up? What time did you say? Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t I feel it? Why didn’t I wake up when my daughter left me. Why didn’t I wake up?

Was she scared?

No, I don’t think so.

That’s why – I didn’t wake up because she wasn’t scared and wasn’t in pain. I would have known if she had known. If she had any awareness at all that this was her last drive home, that she wouldn’t see Trent or Trevor again. I would have felt it too – I would have woken up. She didn’t know. She wasn’t scared.

Dylan

I have to be the one to tell him. me, only me.

Walter

It’s true.

Where is she?

She’s gone. She’s no where.

I’ll be in Tucson at 6pm. Where do I go? Where is she? Where is Dylan? Where is Trent?

Have you heard from him?

Fuck! Facebook.

Call Becky tell her to watch Meghan’s Social Media pages and to call us as soon as she sees anything. Dylan can’t find out like that. Not Facebook, not Instagram, not some well meaning friend. I have to get to him now. I’m getting on the plane .

We can take you to Tucson. No thank you. I have to get to Dylan. I have to tell Dylan. In person.

Where is he?

Dylan

Hey bud! Where are you? Good day at work? Where you headed? Gonna be there a while? Great! I missed you, want to grab a coffee when I get home? Great. I’ll see you in a couple hours. I’ll call when I land.

Brad

I will be here for Dylan, for us, for her. I promise. And because i didn’t know yet – I will not let this break me.

Flight booked for two to Tucson from LAX

Dylan

Can we take a walk?

What’s wrong

It’s Meghan. And because I didn’t understand it with mom – I had to be clear, I couldn’t make him ask the question.

She was in a car accident last night and she was killed.

Head up, eyes locked. Searching. Head down. Can we go inside?

Key shaking in his hand, can’t unlock the door. Walk into his new apartment. Will this memory ruin this place for him? The place his sister had called his lifelong dream.

Will the memory of folding up in that fold up chair, sobbing, ruin his loft dream. Ruin everything.

Pack a bag. We are leaving in a couple of hours. Dad will be there when we get there.

Amy

Something bad has happened, I’m going to need you. And because she was the one that finally said the words. Mom is dead – I am clear with her. Can’t make anyone ask the question.

Meghan was killed last night in a car accident.

Screams and sobbing – No Julie no

I can’t say those words any more. Please call everyone else. I love you.

She’s gone. My best friend. My daughter. My heart and soul.

20 weeks later – we know so much more. I don’t call it a car accident anymore. Because it wasn’t an accident. It was a crash. A senseless, needless, reckless, brutal result of an infinite number of choices made by an infinite number of people – some mundane, some beautiful, some malicious, some sad, some evil.

But Meghan’s choices that night came from love. I will work hard (I love my job mom), I will help my friend (I told you about him mom) and I will drive carefully (I always do mom).

I’m not worried about you baby, I worry about the crazies. Watch out for the crazies.

I will momma.