My daughter is dead,
I slept well, how about you?
My daughter is dead,
Does this look ok? Or is this better?
My daughter is dead,
I’m going for a walk, be home soon
My daughter is dead,
No, really, I had a wonderful time
My daughter is dead,
Be home soon, just a bit delayed
My daughter is dead
No, none for me, thank you
My daughter is dead
I’m so glad you had fun
My daughter is dead
Of course, I’ll be there
My daughter is dead
I’m doing ok, how are you?
Tag: loss
Mania
The mania is new
The over talking and over sharing
The over compensating
For the fear
Of letting them know
That I am gone.
Saved Away
Friendship bracelets and
Christmas ornaments
of your hand print and side-eyed grin
Ceramic trivets and Scout patches
Created or earned with lifetime friends
Curls from your first haircut and
your almost swallowed tooth
Report cards and ribbons
from soccer and swim
Little Golden books and middle school journal
Snapshots and home videos
Dioramas and color penciled maps
And cards; every November and May
I love you momma at 5, 13 and 24
Saved away as sweet memories
Little pieces of you
Treasured as memorials
to prove that you lived.
Depth
I can taste the loss.
Around my gums,
under my tongue,
on the sides of my cheeks.
With the weight of my molars
I can taste the loss of you.
No More
No more signs
I don’t want them
I want you
I want to talk to you,
laugh with you
dissect your day
Here your thoughts
dismiss my worries
raise your son
praise you brother
relish in your
everything
your accomplishments and joys and love and spirit
No! No more signs. You!
Hair Ties
I have found them
You have sent them
When I’ve been sad and when I’ve wanted to share joy
Before most trips
except those that I got in the middle or at the end
I’ve asked for them and been surprised by them
Always in awe of them
In Catalina when I begged please
In Tucson when I said no more
When I said you couldn’t be here
There you were
At work on my saddest days
And on my morning walks
In a crowded church
And a dirty parking lot
In a rented beach house
And a wind swept trail on a cliff
As the ocean roared below
Always when I’m on the phone with your dad
Then there was that one time at the end of the day, alone in my room, crying from the pain of missing you, wishing out loud for you, knowing it was too late. There in a place I look every night and every morning, where one had never been before, waiting for me.
I’m here momma.
Too Little Too Late
There were 23 officers with body cams on scene and in the aftermath of my daughter’s death. 23 officers plus detectives and reps from the state attorney’s office. The US Marshalls were called in to assist in the search to find him after he ran. Mexican authorities assisted in his capture. There have been 5 continuances by the defense and state since he was first indicted in October. There are thousands of pages of disclosure documents that will be sent to me on a flash drive, with photos if I would like them. There are now 2 attorneys dedicated to her case along with an office of support staff. We have our own victim’s advocate because with “cases like these” the family has one specific person assigned to them to guide them through the process. For 7 and a half months we have had to live without her.
On Friday he will be sentenced for the crimes he was out on bond for when he rented a car from Enterprise, ran a red light at 109 miles an hour, and killed my baby girl and her friend on their way home from work.
Seconds
How many things had to go just so
How many tiny infantecible little things had to go just so
What if you had stopped to
Tie your shoes
Send a text
Look up at the moon
What if you had dropped your keys
Forgotten your wallet
Tripped off the curb
Why didn’t someone tell one more joke
Give you one more hug
Pull out in front of you
He would have flown past just in front of you or just behind
The difference between scaring you and killing you.
I wish your shoes would have come untied.
Double Edged Sword
Big drops of much needed rain falling to earth through bright clouds and sun beams.
Car skids on the wet road into a telephone pole
Fluffy white snow made up of individual crystals remarkable up close
En Mass they slide brutally down the hill drowning skiers
Sparkling sun dancing on the water with a summer wind warming the sand
Water recedes, the bottom comes up too soon breaking boards and necks
Beautiful vista of trees and water, Dirt paths under oaks and around boulders
bright blue skies overhead And it all gives way.
One step too many and they’re gone.
Car skids on the wet road into a telephone pole
Fluffy white snow made up of individual crystals remarkable up close
En Mass they slide brutally down the hill drowning skiers
Sparkling sun dancing on the water with a summer wind warming the sand
Water recedes, the bottom comes up too soon breaking boards and necks
Beautiful vista of trees and water, Dirt paths under oaks and around boulders
bright blue skies overhead And it all gives way.
One step too many and they’re gone.
Humans, one helping the other, giving a reprieve, laughing together being their best selves.
Intersection.
F You
You think you can break me
Well fuck you
You think you’ll destroy me?
Well fuck you
I will not let you win I will not hide or cower to your whim
Fuck you
For taking her away
And with her, me
Defiantly,
You don’t think I’ll laugh again?
Fuck You
You thought I’d only see the evil?
Well Fuck You – I won’t.
I will see the beauty around me again
I will see kindness and joy again, denying you yours
Because in spite of you I will survive
Yellow Hearts and Black Hair Ties 