Tag: Grief

Leaving Tucson heartbroken
Open again
Did I do this
Whole year wrong
Did I leave him
Alone for too long
More than he let on
Did I take the easy way out
Did I let her down
again
Just dropping in
Short days at a time
Thinking of me first
Ill-equipped for more
Now there is a local family
What am I supposed to be
To do
Why isn’t she here
My baby girl replaced.

One foot here
One on the other side
Half my heart there
Split down the middle
All the way through
Which side do I join.

She was here
She was mine
She existed in this world
She teased and loved
and yelled and cried
and laughed – so much
She was here
She was mine
She exists in my soul

Can’t look up
Can’t unfold
Can’t stop
Can’t face it
Can’t see
Can’t stop
Can’t believe
Can’t breathe
Can’t stop

I can’t pretend to know all the aspects of deep grief because these are still early days. The confusion, constant off-balance of logical thought and running emotions, the need to be perceived as ‘ok’ while simultaneously wanting others to know that I am not, in any way, ok. Those things I know.

Not wanting any of the attention or focus to be on me at all because she is the one that lost everything. Wanting so much for her to always to be the center, not me, at the same time needing to ask for help to breathe normally so I can drive home safely. Hating to have to draw attention away from her and on to me.

That I know.

The desperation to hear her name and feel her love through those she loved, through the sympathy from friends, videos with her smile, voice, smirk, and laugh. That I know.

This I don’t know – Do we, the living nightmares of every parent, need the sympathy of others to validate their child’s existence, to assure us that the depth of our grief is valid, to confirm the horror of it all? The depth of my grief somehow a symbol of the perfection of her. I don’t know if this is true for now, or forever. Will I find some other way to move forward with her in the center. Does it matter what I do, if she is to be the focus. How do I keep her in this world and take me out of it. Ah, there it is. A moment of realization. Everything is to bring her back.

How is it possible that I am able to tolerate even one moment without you

One day

One week?

How am I still moving?

Why has this been so easy

Go to work, eat your food

But not too much

Because you still care

What kind of person mother monster are you

That you can still smile

I can’t imaging what you are going through

How are you still standing?

Wow, you look great. How can you look great?

You must be heartless to be able to put on that outfit and walk out that door

To look so good, to act so good,

when you should be broken. I would have been broken.

How do you get out of bed? I couldn’t do it.

You must not have loved her like I love them.

You worked and divorced. You already didn’t love like me

Because I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t. It would break me

But you are still standing, still smiling and making plans

You must love less than me, care less than me, mother less than me.

Because that is my worst nightmare. You are my worst nightmare

That I would do it too.

Something pours out of me
What was it
on the way home from the birthday party
I thought something was pouring out of me.
It was poetic, I’m sure
But you were on my mind
which leaves no room for much else
and I was driving too so there was no room
with the depth and road
to remember the something.