The first hours we sat
stunned in your house
We didn’t ask to see you
or to go where you left
or to where you were then
We didn’t ask
for a lock of your hair
or one more kiss or touch
We simply sat
in your dark house
horrified of a world
without you
What would we be
our family of four
with one of us
gone
The one that started us
that stretched our hearts
opened our thoughts
The one that reminded us
who we were
who we were supposed
to be
How were we to be
anything more
after
Just stop the sun from rising
and the planes from flying
stop the water from splashing
and the babies from crying
stop the tides from rising
and the tears from falling
Please, can’t you stop
just for a moment
so I can hear her one more time
Some of you fell to your knees
Some of you shook your fist
Some of you crawled to despair
Some of you took revenge
Some of you hoped for peace
Some of you shed tears alone
Some of you moaned out loud
Some of you regressed
Some of you expressed
Some of you left soon after
Some of you stayed here
Walking the barrels’ edge
from the lobby to the stage
on display
lighted
One wrong step
a lost moment of focus
and I’ll go in
Concentrate
balance on the edge
on the next precious step
Quicksand
fallen in
don’t struggle
against the suck
Calm
break it down
one moment one breath
at a time
More than that
and I’ll go down
An up and comer
with a down and outer
The right deal
a way out for each
Released from the cuffs
of the bottom rung
The tunnel’s light
closing but for one
In between the phone calls
I can pretend
you are at work
laughing and learning
When I’m not supposed to call
I can pretend
you are taking
him to school
reminding him to share
In between my car ride
to and from work
to the store or from
anywhere I’m not alone
I can pretend you two
are planning a vacation
wedding, siblings
Shouting I love you
down the hall
Until its time to call
I can pretend
I still can
Hummingbird
Chasing Sanity
Feeding but
never full
Never presume
the wounded
want to heal
Pain can bring peace
staying close to it
the goal
Distance from the grief
is only distance from her
remember that time
when we saw each other
you, opaque, that way you get
when you are up before dusk
and me, surprised again,
that I had not yet died
of a broken heart
Or that time
your glow came long before
you lit up that dark ridge
and me, shaking, still
from the cold fear
that followed me there
Or this morning
me, lost, in the cycle
of denial and shame
and you, up ahead
only half seen
leading me out
Still you aren’t here
I keep breathing
and still you aren’t here
I keep doing
and still you aren’t here
to watch this cruel joke
of success and quiet ease
happening to me
of smiles and changes and
hopes achieved
yet you still aren’t here
so what can it mean
Yellow Hearts and Black Hair Ties