Yellow Hearts and Black Hair Ties

I wonder
if everyone
feels their
anger
behind their
eyes
like I do
if everyone
has to pinch
them together
just to keep
the rage from
escaping
maybe other
people feel
that in their
fists

Time spent
redigging the hole
to uncover the dirt
you dumped
years ago.

Slipping into the better me
from the not better me
or not the me
which is not me
I feel more like who
I used to be when
I get to the chardonnay
altitude that clouds
my reality

Do you think
others felt it
So many others
did they know
as they were
sliding down
the slope
I always wondered
how they could
do it – leave us
all behind

I may know soon
if I don’t
stop

How does this work
how exactly
is this supposed to
work
Life strong out
after
after your forgot to
breath
after the crash
with the shrapnel
stell flying
how is this supposed
to work after the
lie has been told
and been found out

How is it supposed to
work
when choices were made
while the pan was
still hot
while the window was
still open
when the knife
was still sharp
and the drapes drawn
how is this supposed
to work living in the
world created for
the person you
no longer are.

Wrists itch
everyday
head furrow
without reality
eyes squint
reflexively
all goes to a
pin point
of pain

Sunday dinner
starts too soon
lasts too long
the expectations
of the morning
promises of the
day
anticipation of
a life deserving
drowned
in the heaviness
of broken promises
resentment and
shame that
lives rent free in my head

Wish today
was the day
The day I
prayed for
when I still
believed
wish today
was the day
the day you
promised
when i still
believed
wish today
was the day
The day I thought
it was supposed to be

when i believed

not a pebble or a rock or a wave
no healing with time
or distance
distraction or submersion
makes no difference

what is wrong
is anything wrong
nothing is wrong
it simply is
just like everyone else
now
that’s the unsaid
that my pain
it is like theirs
loose a child
loose a dog,
parent, job, marriage
or car
all the same to the brain