I don’t want to be the same
I don’t want to be different
I don’t want to talk about it
I want to scream it from the top of my lungs
Don’t notice me
Comfort me
Don’t leave me
Let me go
How do you do it?
How is it possible that I am able to tolerate even one moment without you
One day
One week?
How am I still moving?
Why has this been so easy
Go to work, eat your food
But not too much
Because you still care
What kind of person mother monster are you
That you can still smile
I can’t imaging what you are going through
How are you still standing?
Wow, you look great. How can you look great?
You must be heartless to be able to put on that outfit and walk out that door
To look so good, to act so good,
when you should be broken. I would have been broken.
How do you get out of bed? I couldn’t do it.
You must not have loved her like I love them.
You worked and divorced. You already didn’t love like me
Because I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t. It would break me
But you are still standing, still smiling and making plans
You must love less than me, care less than me, mother less than me.
Because that is my worst nightmare. You are my worst nightmare
That I would do it too.
Something
Something pours out of me
What was it
on the way home from the birthday party
I thought something was pouring out of me.
It was poetic, I’m sure
But you were on my mind
which leaves no room for much else
and I was driving too so there was no room
with the depth and road
to remember the something.
This coffee is nummy
My daughter is dead,
I slept well, how about you?
My daughter is dead,
Does this look ok? Or is this better?
My daughter is dead,
I’m going for a walk, be home soon
My daughter is dead,
No, really, I had a wonderful time
My daughter is dead,
Be home soon, just a bit delayed
My daughter is dead
No, none for me, thank you
My daughter is dead
I’m so glad you had fun
My daughter is dead
Of course, I’ll be there
My daughter is dead
I’m doing ok, how are you?
Mania
The mania is new
The over talking and over sharing
The over compensating
For the fear
Of letting them know
That I am gone.
Hole. Filled.
Parking space
Your place
At the sink
On the fridge
In cap and whites
In heart and bed
Replaced
Marilyn
No, losing your dog
Is not like losing a child
I have lost both
So I can cofirm
They are not the same
How
It’s just not true
That’s how we’ve done it
My brain and I
to fool my heart
To make it this long
without you
It just can’t be true
Time 2
Sunrise and Sunset
And all things in between
Light and dark
Cloudy and clear
One after the other
On and on
Without regard
That you are gone
And they should stop
Saved Away
Friendship bracelets and
Christmas ornaments
of your hand print and side-eyed grin
Ceramic trivets and Scout patches
Created or earned with lifetime friends
Curls from your first haircut and
your almost swallowed tooth
Report cards and ribbons
from soccer and swim
Little Golden books and middle school journal
Snapshots and home videos
Dioramas and color penciled maps
And cards; every November and May
I love you momma at 5, 13 and 24
Saved away as sweet memories
Little pieces of you
Treasured as memorials
to prove that you lived.
Yellow Hearts and Black Hair Ties 