Author: Julia Clevenger

I can taste it
The break
from reality
my break as
half my brain rages
with my hands
and arm and shoulder
feet and calves
while the smaller half
With my ass and gut
plans my night out
My day at work
BBQs and vacations

The energy it takes
To hide my rage
From the ones that love me
Is waning today

Impressive or frightening
Cheery texts
While raging
In my room
Quiet in my head
Hands pounding
Immediate Softening
To protect
Or to hide
To pretend

What part of me
Could I change
Which piece
Should I remove
Or replace
To make me
Whole again
Silly question
I am whole
Wholly insane

My mom said
Its painful to be beautiful
She also said
I was beautiful
Inside and out

My god
It hurts
Deep
Not an ache
Or a pang
Or a break
Deep
All over
Undefined

Anger rage
After none
Jagged peaks
Tearing apart
The silk
Of quiet
No reason
Clear reason
No arrow
Pointing at
That
just a
Seeping resin
Soaked deep
And hardened
Rubbed up
to a gloss

Resigned I reply
with a knowing nod
that says
You are right
Squeeze their arm
pat their hand

The sweet smile
of gratitude of
Seemingly new awareness
the aren’t you kind
Got it down cold

That complete fake out
Emmy (daytime) winning
Performance

to leave them
content and honored
That they helped

something else
would be scene stealing
prolong my agony
they are the star in this play
The hero with the perfect script
I’m the character actor
taking the bit part
Intent to let them shine

It’s easy actually
A natural gift (practiced now)
when they don’t really know
but speak from love
or whatever kindness
they can muster
I can play off of that que
And give them a chance
for a great review

Selfishly

it moves
the scene along
to its foregone conclusion
my ultimate goal
To be allowed to
turn around, face away
And let the truth
wash over me again.

She’s gone

Time to stop
get up and shower
Brush my teeth
And suck in my gut
clear the mind
Time to put on a smile
make myself
Audi worthy

The sun is out and
The curtain is up

What if I opened the
box and sifted
through the ashes
the pieces of her
and pull out the
pieces of me
she took with her
could I put them back
breath them in to
be whole again.